Where Did My Time Go? When Your Mind Can’t Stop Replaying

How the Endless Loop in Your Mind Steals Your Most Precious Resource

“If only I had 27 hours per day…” This phrase was my unintentional mantra when I first found myself single-parenting five kids. I say unintentional, because it wasn’t actually intended as a mantra – but I definitely said it a lot, and I thought it even more often.

I was so busy – working full-time as a doctor, single-parenting my five amazing kids, ages 5-14. I’d separated from their dad. That was such a big life change, I wanted to create stability, so I continued their music lessons, junior Olympic level gymnastics, horse lease, scouts, and more. He had supervised contact, so that meant I was flying solo. Plus, without child support, I needed to work to be able to pay for it all. At that time extracurricular activities were $1800 each month. Then there was weekly therapy for all six of us – out-of-network trauma therapists – at an investment of 6 hours per week and $2,000 out of pocket each month.

I felt like my life was the fox, chicken, sack of grain logic puzzle – constantly.

My mind was in perpetual project management mode with layer upon layer of calendars, to-do lists, and mental planning just to make it all happen.

Worse yet, my self-doubt and second-guessing kept my mind stuck in a constant loop of “on the one hand,” followed by, “on the other hand.” It just never stopped. I felt trapped in a mentally exhausting maze without a way out.

I wondered why I hadn’t seen the red flags sooner, why I hadn’t left when I finally did, and how to make things right for my kids. And when I was over-stressed or over-tired, I agonized over if I was the problem, what I had done to deserve this, and if life would ever get better.

My thoughts slowed me down so much, it was like walking through deep sand. It took longer to do necessary tasks. I worked hard all day and felt like I got little done. Things often got bumped to the next day. The to-do list grew larger and more unmanageable.

I was caught in the endless loop of an overactive mind. And I quickly realized, this wasn’t just my story. This is the reality for so many high-achievers after narcissistic abuse.

The overactive mind

The overactive mind is the bane of the high-achiever’s existence. You’ve relied on your mind to take you far – and it has. Yet it can also hold you back.

It is alluring to think that “thinking” about your problems, replaying every interaction, will lead to a solution. You’re a problem-solver. It just makes sense. Yet when you’ve experienced narcissistic or relationship abuse, your thoughts shift. They become darker, more painful, and less productive. Where thinking once led you to quality solutions, these thoughts are intended to keep you stuck. They mire you in the problem you’re trying to escape.

These intrusive, unwanted, disruptive thoughts and questions just won’t loosen their grip. They start when you wake up, as you get ready, eat breakfast, and take care of kids. They continue on your commute, in small moments of down-time, like when using the bathroom, and during your meals. These thoughts fill your evenings and become an unwanted participant in your nighttime routine. As you keep thinking and thinking, your mind becomes more overactive.

You note difficulty falling asleep, then staying asleep. As a result, you are tired all the time. And when you’re tired, your mind tends to run even wilder. Wondering turns into agonizing, which results in more sleeplessness.

You are distracted by your thoughts, which leads to missed freeway exits, mistakes, and being asked to share your expertise in a meeting – only to realize you have no idea what they’re discussing. Now you wonder what’s the matter with you, why can’t you get over this, and how much longer can you hide your distraction from your colleagues.

Your thoughts are even more distracting at home – and the consequences even greater. Your kids ask a question, only to realize you weren’t really listening, you miss their game-winning goal, even though you were staring at the field, or you realize that the Christmas present you couldn’t wait for them to open has been unwrapped and somehow you missed it. Now you agonize about whether you’re broken, why the thoughts won’t stop, and the missed moments you’ll never get back, all of which leads to – more missed moments.

If you were to add it up, your overactive mind is costing you several hours each day.

Want to uncover exactly how this never-ending mental loop is genuinely impacting your life and what it truly takes to reclaim your hours? Continue reading to calculate the hidden costs and discover the path to freedom from never-ending thoughts.

The insidious mental time suck