What Does Cutting Off All Contact with a Narcissist Do to Them?
An in-depth look at narcissistic injury
There is an interesting twist to this question.
The question is not “What does going no contact do for me?” Or “How will the narcissist respond when I go no contact?” Both of those questions affect you.
This question asks, “What does going no contact do to them?”
Perhaps you ask from a lens of seeking to understand the narcissist mind.
Perhaps you’re trying to make sense of your experience, after going no contact.
Perhaps you hope to punish the narcissist for their brutal discard of you — fantasizing about the opportunity to hurt them back.
What happens when you go no contact?
If the narcissist has discarded you for someone else, they may not initially notice. Once they do notice you’ve gone no contact, they won’t understand why.
The narcissist will not…
See the error of their ways
Realize they hurt you
Choose to apologize and make amends
How the narcissist will respond is predictable. Let’s look at why.
Understanding narcissistic injury
Narcissistic injury is not what you think.
It is not the hurt you, the victim, experience from a narcissist’s behavior. Narcissistic injury is the hurt or wound they experience from your behavior.
The concept itself sounds like victim-shaming. Just because a narcissist has been wounded by your behavior does not mean you’ve done something wrong or that it’s your fault. Their injury, or wound, is a result of their disorder.
This wound may be created when a narcissist feels criticized, incompetent, rejected, humiliated, unworthy, or experiences loss or abandonment.
What makes a narcissist feel that way?
Losing a game
Being beat out for a promotion
Struggling with a task
Failing at anything
Being corrected by their partner or co-worker
Having their character or image challenged
Being told they’re not trustworthy (when they’ve been caught in a lie)
Being called out in front of others
Being called out in private
Being rejected when they make an advance
Being discarded
Having someone cut off all contact
Anything that challenges the reality of their idealized self and their false narrative can cause narcissistic injury.
If their idealized self is flashy, wealthy, and a total catch, it’s humiliating to be rejected.
If their idealized self is friendly, charming, and wholesome, it feels like intense criticism to be told how their behavior is hurtful.
If their idealized self is successful, powerful, and in control, it feels humiliating to lose — even a game that was meant to be for fun.
Narcissistic rage immediately to follow
The narcissist’s wound hurts so badly, they react with rage. It may be fleeting, seen only for a moment in their eyes. It may be an intense attack that is relentless. Or it may be an escalation of their devaluation of you.
Blaming
Accusations
Sabotage
Verbal/physical abuse
Hurting you makes them feel better about themselves. It nurses their wound.
Who takes care of your wounds?
Going no contact is a serious step and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s not a punishment or a silent treatment to teach the narcissist a lesson. It’s not a way to hurt them back. It’s not a way to “win” or have the last word.
Going no contact is a way of protecting yourself, of removing yourself from harm’s way, of creating the space to heal. It’s putting your oxygen mask on first. It’s the ultimate in self-care.
That has to be your one and only motive.
And when that motive is pure, when you realize the relationship is destroying you, you can move forward in good faith. The narcissistic injury the narcissist experiences as a result is not intentional. It’s not avoidable. It just is.
In the end, you can only take care of you.
Originally published on Medium.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
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Dr. Melissa Kalt, M.D. is a trauma, covert narcissistic abuse, and rapid narcissistic abuse recovery expert who helps Soul-driven leaders transcend their past narcissistic abuse to create greater impact and fulfillment while they change the world.
Ghosting is the only answer. Never seek closure!!