8 Ways Covert Narcissists Mess with Your Head
Blindspots you can’t afford to miss
Covert narcissists are extremely dangerous.
They not only mess with your head, but they convince others to mess with your head until you’re the only one left standing. At that point, you give up. You assume you are crazy, that everyone must be right.
The invisible set up
The love bomb: The covert narcissist love bombs in a different way than more overt narcissists. They are vulnerable, share feelings, talk about painful things. You think, “Wow! This is incredible. I’ve never had a relationship so deep.” The covert narcissist thinks like you, shares your love languages, and inspires compassion. You don’t know how he ended up so normal when he had such a terrible family, ex, etc.
The façade: Covert narcissists are the most friendly, charming, likable people around. They help others. They’re funny. They’re great conversationalists and storytellers. Everyone LOVES them (except their targets).
The passive aggression: It’s the “jokes” or “teases” at first. Then the more obvious putdowns. The covert narcissist encourages you to make a decision, then punishes you for whatever you decide (there is no right answer). The sabotage is extreme and impossible to prove. They thrive on plausible deniability.
The land of subtle: Just because covert narcissists do things on the subtle, it does not mean they’re less harmful. In fact, they are more harmful because the victims don’t even realize they are being abused. They just become more and more miserable as the life force is sucked out of them. Covert narcissistic abuse is called death by a thousand cuts for good reason.
The flying monkeys: Covert narcissists utilize flying monkeys more than any other type of narcissist. Remember the movie, Now You See Me? The card was placed in the tree 20 years before the trick. Covert narcissists are grooming their monkeys from the beginning, only you have no idea. It’s the little comments, “The kids socks don’t match because she slept in and I had to get them ready,” in this self-deprecating funny way that makes it known that you were lazy and didn’t do your job. “She’s sitting around because she’s had a long week.” On the surface it seems almost nice, even understanding. Yet it’s designed to point out to the monkeys that you sit around. That’s what they’ll remember.
The gaslighting: Covert narcissists are masters at distorting your reality. It’s hard to fathom that someone so nice, so likable would lie to your face. Maybe he doesn’t remember the conversation? Maybe I dreamed it? He couldn’t possibly have hidden my keys. You start to believe you must be going crazy. You trust his version of a story you know isn’t true. You trust his memory over your own. You start to doubt yourself about everything. You lose all connection to who you are.
The ultimate gaslighting: Because the covert narcissist is so nice, so friendly, so apologetic, so calm and because there are 1000 loyal flying monkey supporters, the therapists, court system, church, and larger community believe you are crazy. Your constant defending yourself against verifiable lies doesn’t help. It only makes you look crazier. They look at you with pity, “If only she could find some peace.”
The long haul: The covert narcissist is in it for the long haul. Many of their relationships go 10, 20, even 40, or more years. They are lazy and don’t want to find a new source of narcissistic supply when they can torture you for decades.
The psychological abuse is nearly invisible and intended to destabilize you so you stay.
It’s the ultimate head game.
Adapted from an answer I originally wrote on Quora.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, M.D. is a trauma, covert narcissistic abuse, and rapid narcissistic abuse recovery expert who helps Soul-driven leaders transcend their past narcissistic abuse to create greater impact and fulfillment while they change the world.
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Ok so this is my life. 43 year anniversary is Thursday. I am not happy and don’t trust him anymore at all with my heart and feelings. I know I need to get out but it is so hard to do. I will absolutely be the “bad guy” because he is a really charming affable and seemingly perfect guy… except to me.